When Loneliness Comes Knocking

Notes #6:  July 31, 2026

Have you ever noticed, as you wake up or as your day winds down, a vague sense of discomfort, as if something is missing, or off, though you can’t quite put a finger on it?   It might feel like a dull ache, a feeling of lack or emptiness, as if something is not quite OK.  (If the pain is severe and going down your arm, please call 911 right away… ;-)  )   It could be many things, of course.  One of them, often hard to identify, is loneliness.  

Loneliness is not only hard to self diagnose, it is also a state we often feel shame about, and one that cannot be alleviated simply, with a bandaid or a doctor’s appointment.  So we likely just distract ourselves from it, with activity or social media.  

How tragic it is that we shame and judge ourselves for feeling lonely, instead of handling our aching hearts with the care and compassion we would offer a child or a friend.  The need to be connected to and supported by others is, afterall, a very natural, human need.  We are wired to thrive in mutual support, not as lone wolves.  And yet, western/American culture glorifies independence and self sufficiency and looks down at our need to connect as if it’s a weakness.

I found myself in one of those experiences a few days ago.  It doesn’t happen often so my curiosity was piqued.  It didn’t “make sense” to be lonely, as I knew I had social engagements coming up the next day.  But the fact remained, there was something my heart was missing at that moment.  It felt like a small uncomfortable void had opened up in my chest, and I set about to try to fill it.  I called and texted a couple people, but that didn’t seem to fill the void.  Something deeper was needed.

Then it occurred to me:  What is the connection that is most in need of attention in my life right now?  What relationship, of the ones I truly value, is tenuous at the moment and could use extra TLC?  Perhaps I could use this momentary urge to fill an emotional void, to get over what has been holding me back, and reach out to this friend, soothe the tension and reconnect?    It felt a bit risky.  I might get hurt if the person on the other side of the line wasn’t ready or interested… But the risk of losing this meaningful connection, if I continue to delay, felt greater.  So I called.

“I was feeling a bit lonely and decided to take a chance and reach out where reconnecting was most needed,” I laid it all out.  My friend was audibly happy and relieved to get my call.  She too had been feeling the tension, not sure when and how to reach out, and we’ve both missed each other.  The vulnerability I risked, the initiative I took, and her open hearted response did the trick.  By the end of our call I could clearly feel the void in my chest was no longer there.  My heart was full.

This story is about how natural it is to feel lonely at times, even within a relationship and with a busy social life.  It is a special kind of deep heart to heart connection, that goes occasionally missing. When that happens, our bodies call our attention to that lack and the need to attend to it, by opening that void in our chests.  

Rather than judge or deny it, we can do our hearts good and avoid a downward spiral by acknowledging our momentary loneliness for what it is, and finding the courage to proactively reach out to someone dear to us.  Extra points if that relationship is in need of extra TLC.  

Being proactive with reaching out is key to keeping important relationships alive.  It affirms to the other side that they matter to you, and that might be just what they need to hear.  So don’t wait for the other side to initiate.   If both sides do that, valuable relationships can dry up and be lost.  

One caveat:  Before you call, use your judgment and prior experience to discern the chances of that person receiving your open heart with kindness and gentleness.  If it is unlikely to be the case, you better skip this person and reach out to someone else who is safer.  

As always, I’d love to hear how this resonated with you.  Have you experienced something similar? You can write to me privately at ornalock@gmail.com or via FB messenger.   And, please, forward this to anyone you know who might find it interesting.

Happy summer everyone,

Orna.